


my love to lean on

by changgus



Category: ONF (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Oral Sex, lots of discussions of idolsonas and what's real vs what's crafted, what if we were best friends and we went to berlin together just the two of us and we were both boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:47:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29808612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/changgus/pseuds/changgus
Summary: If Hyojin really thinks about it, he can trace every important first back to Lee Seungjoon. Every first that matters anyway, every one that counts.
Relationships: Kim Hyojin/Lee Seungjun | J-Us
Comments: 18
Kudos: 61





	my love to lean on

**Author's Note:**

> wow okay she's here!! i've been working on this a long time so it feels wild to actually be done but we did it kids!!
> 
> this follows the trip hyojin and seungjoon took to berlin for 'why' filming and heavily follows the vlogs released around that. they're hopefully not necessary for reading, but would definitely recommend watching them anyway!
> 
> if there are any inconsistencies, especially regarding timeline, i apologize in advance. i did a ton of research for this but i am only human and a human that has spent exactly 15 minutes in germany none of which were in berlin. a huge, huge, huge thank you to tori and pen for cheering me on through this whole writing process and always dipping in to vibe check when i asked. i quite literally could not have done this without y'all.
> 
> happy onf first win!!! happy 14 years of hyojoon!! hope y'all enjoy

If Hyojin really thinks about it, he can trace every important first back to Lee Seungjoon. Every first that matters anyway, every one that counts. Even now, jet lag dragging his body down like a brick in a lake, the giddy feeling of being somewhere new floating him back to the top, this is a first with Seungjoon too. 

Before becoming an idol, he’d never really traveled before, not like this. He’d taken a train out to Busan once with his sister, peeling hard boiled eggs between their fingers while his mom sent his sister a thousand texts, always worrying; another time a family road trip to Hwasun where he’d spent half the ride asleep with his head knocking against the window, the rest making up games in his mind as he watched the tree line pass by. 

He got his passport before their first showcase in Japan. Something about holding it in his hands made everything feel very real. Shiny little coated photo of himself he’d taken in a booth at the subway station near their dorm, empty pages waiting to be stamped, waiting to say he’d made it. 

That was all for work though, and while this is technically for work too - a day of filming packing the first part of their itinerary - it’s different. It’s him, Seungjoon, and two staff and once filming is done they’re free for a whole day and a half before they get on that plane back home.

They land at Berlin-Tegel early in the afternoon and Seungjoon stretches his legs out long underneath the seat in front of him while they taxi. The sun is warm where it sneaks in through the crack in the window next to his seat. Over the speaker a flight attendant thanks them for flying, says _Welcome_.

It’s not a vacation, strictly speaking, and their manager had been very clear about that, but Hyojin feels light on his feet anyway. 

The airport ceiling is all glass and metal framework and it casts weird shadows on their faces as they go through the motions. When they’ve flown before, they’ve always had fans waiting to greet them on the other side, waving banners and snapping so many rapid fire pictures Hyojin feels like he could go blind. Here, it’s quiet.

They take a taxi from the airport to their hotel and Seungjoon can’t stop talking the whole ride. The company had had them put together a list of things they wanted to do in Berlin before they left, told them they were going to film a surprise vlog for the fans later, and Seungjoon has that list pulled up on his phone now. He’s running through it like Hyojin hasn’t heard it a hundred times already, but it’s fine because they’re both just excited.

Time to do tourist things is a luxury they’re not usually afforded. They might get something big in if they have an extra day, or in the case of their LA trip, if it looks good on camera. They don’t usually have time to just wander though, to see what they can find. 

Hyojin watches out the window as they wind closer to the city center. It’s only a twenty minute drive, or so they’d been told, but the traffic is stop-and-go and Seungjoon’s thigh is warm at every point it touches his.

“Hyojin-ah,” Seungjoon bumps him with his elbow. “Are you even listening?”

“Always.” Hyojin replies easily, attention still out the window. Seungjoon leans into his side, head falling onto his shoulder. The top of his hair tickles against Hyojin’s jaw.

“You know you have to actually listen to me while we’re here.” Seungjoon says. He’s still scrolling through the list on his phone, Hyojin can hear the tapping of his finger against the screen. “Or you’ll get lost and then we won’t have time to do everything.”

“Okay, but what if _you_ get lost? Then what?”

“Then I’ll be with you.” 

He turns his face to look up at Hyojin and his smile is blinding.

Their hotel room is small but it’s got two single beds with a nightstand between and a little desk tucked into the corner and that’s more than enough. They’re used to much worse from all their time shuffling through trainee dorms anyway.

Years of four sets of bunk beds packed so tightly in a room there’s no space left to breathe, suitcases filling up the rest because there’s no point getting settled when you might just have enough and leave, or get kicked for not being good enough, one bathroom across too many boys fighting for mirror space or hot water. None of it mattering when you end up sleeping curled up on a padded jacket on a practice room floor anyway, too desperate for debut to ever go home.

Hyojin takes his time unpacking, sitting cross legged on the floor in front of his suitcase and organizing the piles of clothing and bags of toiletries while Seungjoon hangs upside down over the edge of the closest bed. His hair is hanging off his forehead and his face is a little bit pink. 

“If I got possessed by a demon, would you like...exorcise me or whatever or would you let it take me?” Seungjoon’s been tossing out scenarios like this since he read the word ‘abandoned’ looking up their shooting location for tomorrow. 

“Is the demon more or less annoying than you are?” Hyojin pulls out a crisp dress shirt he’d packed just in case they went somewhere nice. His mom had told him to do that before their first trip abroad and it’s become a habit. “Do you want me to hang that jacket up for you?”

“More and it doesn’t love you nearly as much.” Seungjoon says without missing a beat. “Also, yeah, it’s-”

“At the bottom of your suitcase, I know.” Hyojin unfolds himself so he can grab the denim jacket Seungjoon had brought for the shoot, some loose button-downs, and carefully hangs their things in the closet. “It could be fun, having a demon best friend.”

“I said it was more annoying. Did you hear that part?”

“Yeah, but I already put up with you everyday.” When Hyojin’s done fussing with the hangers, he settles on the bed next to Seungjoon and shoves at his shoulder. “Don’t demons have like powers and shit?”

“What if it tries to eat you or something?” Seungjoon sits up, his hair sticking up like bird’s feathers around his head. “Oh, or what if it has a demon best friend and that demon possesses you? And then we’re both possessed.”

His face is so much closer to Hyojin’s face than it has any reason to be and he’s got this gleam in his eyes, bright and sparkling.

Seungjoon is always himself, in everything that he is. Yes, there’s J-US, the leader, and there’s the on camera persona they’ve all come to adopt because they have to, but at the end of the day he is always Hyojin’s best friend. His face is honest, even when he’s acting Hyojin can see right through it. Maybe that’s just all of the years he’s spent looking.

“Do demons need to sleep? Maybe they’ll work harder than we do.” Hyojin turns his focus to a loose thread in the comforter.

“Maybe that’s why the company sent us.” Seungjoon wiggles his eyebrows.

There’s a knock at the door and Seungjoon leans back, like he’s suddenly as aware of how close they are as Hyojin has been, of how that might look when their manager opens the door to their room.

“Just dropping off the schedule for tomorrow.” Their manager drops a packet of paper all neatly stapled together onto the desk. “We need you at the car by four thirty. Try to eat before, if you can.”

Hyojin stands from the bed carefully. He’s already tired even without looking at the itinerary.

“Understood.” He thinks maybe if he just keeps looking at their manager it’ll make him feel normal again. He wishes he could notice Seungjoon less.

After dinner at the hotel they walk to a convenience store down the block, past a row of old German men drinking sweaty cans of beer on a bench outside. They’re laughing together, voices heavy and carrying, and it sounds a little bit like home.

It’s still warm enough out even though the sun has set and the breeze is kicking through their hair. Everything is just a little bit shiny with unfamiliarity, even the weather feels different under another sky. Seungjoon hooks his arm around Hyojin’s elbow as they walk.

The bell above the door jingles when they enter. Seungjoon immediately steams ahead down the first aisle that catches his eye and Hyojin follows through stacks of glossy plastic. This is something else that feels like home and doesn’t.

Hyojin can’t even begin to count every time he’s run down to a convenience store with Seungjoon, arms full of chip bags and cup ramyeon, shitty coffee from the refrigerator case and plastic-wrapped kimbap on their way back from school, from practice, from recording. The only difference now is that the bag Seungjoon shoves into his hands has a little cartoon of a lounging peanut printed on the front under two lines of German.

“You think these taste weird?” Seungjoon asks, turning a different bag around in his hands like he can even read the fine print on the back anyway.

“Only one way to find out.”

They end up sitting cross-legged on the floor of their hotel room in the small space between their beds, so close their knees are touching. With filming in the morning they can’t crack into everything the way they want to, but they pass bites back and forth just to try. Hyojin tosses a peanut curl into the air and Seungjoon catches it in his mouth.

“You nervous?” Hyojin rubs his fingers clean on his jeans.

“For tomorrow?” Seungjoon shifts in his spot, resting his head back on the bed behind him. He hums while he thinks. “It’s kind of exciting, isn’t it?”

He’s got that same gleam in his eye from earlier and his voice is light in his throat, but he’s fidgeting with the rips in his jeans with his fingers.

“So you are nervous.” Hyojin knocks his knee against Seungjoon’s.

“ _You’re_ nervous.” He knocks back with a laugh. “I think it’ll be fun.”

“Even if you get possessed?”

“Especially if I get possessed.” Seungjoon leans forward and tries to wink but it ends up more of a grimace, his whole face scrunching up from the effort. Affection swells in Hyojin’s chest like an ocean wave. “Here, try this.”

Seungjoon rummages through the bag and pulls out a handful of candy he’d grabbed on impulse by the register and unwraps a piece. Hyojin leans in so Seungjoon can pop it into his mouth and it’s immediately so sour he feels like he’s dipped each of his teeth individually into battery acid. Seungjoon laughs so hard at his expression he’s bent in half, his head practically in Hyojin’s lap. 

“Fuck, you did that on purpose.” Hyojin’s trying not to spit the candy into Seungjoon’s hair, sucking around his teeth waiting for the flavor to fade. Seungjoon lets him get two punches in to his arm before he grabs Hyojin’s hands and threads their fingers together.

“I didn’t, I didn’t.” Seungjoon is still breathless and so incredibly in Hyojin’s space. “I promise, I didn’t.”

“You try it.” Hyojin frees one of his hands and reaches into the gap between Seungjoon’s legs where he’d let the candy fall when Hyojin started hitting him and unwraps another piece.

Seungjoon opens his mouth up, eyes on Hyojin’s hands as he slides the candy onto his tongue. It feels a little bit like it’s happening in slow motion, the crinkle of the plastic, Hyojin’s fingers catching on Seungjoon’s lip on the way back. And then in double time, Seungjoon hit with the force of the flavor all at once, his face crumpling. He laughs again and it’s like soda bubbles on Hyojin’s tongue.

Later, when they’re showered and in bed with just the light of their phones in the dark, Hyojin feels like his bones are made of jelly.

He’s melting into his bed, blanket pulled all the way up to his chin. He’s got his phone precariously balanced on his chest but every time his eyes blink closed he comes closer to dropping it onto his face.

In the other bed Seungjoon makes an odd shape in the shadows, his hair pushed back with a red terry cloth Elmo headband and the scratchy hotel sheets making mountains and valleys of his silhouette. He’s scrolling through some webtoon he’s been keeping up with and keeps huffing through his nose while he scrolls like he thinks it’s a quiet reaction.

It’s been a long time since they’ve shared a room just the two of them, maybe since high school, Seungjoon sleeping on a mat on his floor.

Back then everything was different, Hyojin would get so anxious he felt like his whole body had seized up, thrown into cold water in the dark. He’d pick at his hands with his fingers, his teeth ‘til they were bloody and sore, a habit he still hasn’t truly kicked, only gotten better at tamping down. 

Singing was something that felt like a release, like he was in control of his body. Throwing himself into vocal lessons, recitals and school musicals, anything to use his voice, it was the best way for him to stake claim over his own life. He was and still is a perfectionist so even that brings its things, but singing was his outlet, his place - the first thing he had that truly felt like it was his.

Seungjoon was another constant. They pursued their dream like they’d done everything else - together.

Hyojin turns his head and watches him in the dark. His phone screen reflects off the dew left from his sheet mask and his finger makes this quiet sound as he scrolls. Seungjoon shuffles down in his bed and rolls onto his side, meeting Hyojin’s eyes above his phone suddenly.

“Did you set the alarm?” His voice is soft like warm cotton.

“Three of them.” Hyojin replies.

Seungjoon smiles, just a short and sweet pull of his lips, and Hyojin thinks that in all of this time and even so far away, he has never once felt homesick.

Hyojin wakes up on the second alarm and feels a little bit like he’s dying. His eyes are so heavy like they’ve been tied down with bricks and his mouth tastes stale and all he wants to do is roll over in his sheets and let sleep take him. The alarm is still going though and it’s angrily blinking at him that it’s three forty-five in the morning.

He takes the first shower, lets Seungjoon get the extra ten minutes in bed. He’d groaned something about beauty sleep when he’d first heard Hyojin shuffling around the room.

When Hyojin gets out of the shower, skin still tinged pink and damp, Seungjoon has wrapped the blanket so thoroughly around himself it looks like some sort of large bird has nested in the middle of the bed. The fluffy top of his headband barely peaks out from under the blanket.

“C’mon.” Hyojin pulls at Seungjoon’s cocoon, but Seungjoon curls his fists in tighter.

Seungjoon says something that might be human words but the syllables are swallowed up by the blanket. Whatever it was, it’s followed by Seungjoon sliding one hand out from his lair to smack Hyojin’s prying hands. 

“Seungjoon-ah,” Hyojin slaps what he approximates is Seungjoon’s ass through the blankets and climbs on top of him when he still doesn’t move, bracketing him in with his thighs. “You gotta get up.”

Seungjoon pops his head out at that, only one eye open and just barely. His face is still puffy from sleep and Hyojin has this weird urge suddenly to squish his face between his hands, so he does.

“Okay, okay, okay.” Seungjoon squirms in his grip, trying to pull his hands off.

They wrestle for a moment, Seungjoon trying his best to untangle himself from the blanket and the vice of Hyojin’s legs. They’re about evenly matched, strength-wise, but Hyojin always seems to take things a little more seriously and Seungjoon’s slight height advantage means nothing here. Seungjoon gets Hyojin’s hands off his face and threaded with his, but Hyojin catches him off guard with a push and ends up pinning his hands above his head.

“Do you want me to get ready or not?” Seungjoon laughs, a breathy sound, and their faces are close enough that Hyojin can feel it against his chin.

Hyojin blinks down at him for a moment, trying to trace back the path of how they got here. He doesn’t know what it is about Seungjoon that makes him feel crazy. He does know that they’ve been in this exact position so many times before and every time he’s had this insane thought to lean down and push more. He doesn’t, instead rolling off onto his back. 

“Fair point.”

It takes Seungjoon another five minutes before he can actually haul his ass into the bathroom. Through the thin wall Hyojin hears the rush of the shower, the gentle hum of Seungjoon singing. He can’t quite make out the words but it makes him want to close his eyes again.

There was some point in maybe middle school where Hyojin realized he was different from his classmates, something he proceeded to shove so deep down, buried in dirt in the pit of his chest. It was the sort of thing he tried to ignore, for a long time, but he kept catching bits of it stuck under his fingernails.

He’s made a lot of peace since then, if only within himself, but there’s still some things he can’t quite seem to scrub clean.

There’s nothing to be done about it now, not with the cameras and the masks and the _do three sets of aegyo for me, oppa_ and the _oppa, be my boyfriend for just ten seconds, please!!_ and the fact that he’s a leader, an example. He thinks there’s another timeline where it matters more, where he’s carrying a different kind of worry but one that comes with its own reward too. A timeline where he’s reaching out under a table at a cafe where no one can see, ducking into an alleyway for a kiss.

That timeline is not this one though, so Hyojin sits up and presses the heels of his palms into his eyes until he sees stars.

They get down to the car with five minutes to spare and Seungjoon’s hair is still wet, hanging loose in his face. He’s got the denim jacket he’d brought for the shoot draped over his arm and a fruit cup in his hand which Hyojin anticipates he’ll spill all over himself once the car starts moving.

At least their manager takes the jacket and passes it off to someone on the styling team before he drops the first sticky peach slice.

It’s a short drive to Berlin Tempelhof Airport and the road is near empty before the sun’s come up. They’re both too tired to speak on the way over, sinking down into their seats as far as they can manage. 

Hyojin pulls up their group chat on his phone and scrolls through a wall of back and forth stickers from Jaeyoung and Minkyun. He realizes it must already be light now at home. Beyond the sticker wall there’s texts about lunch, about coming home from practice or heading back to it, all the routines they’re normally a part of. 

He sends his own text just to check in, let them know they’re still alive, and Seungjoon’s phone goes off next to him.

“Do you think the kids miss us?” Seungjoon murmurs and his voice is sleepy and thick. When Hyojin looks over at him, his eyes are closed and he’s got his head tilted back against the headrest.

Both their phones ping with notifications at the same time, a matched set.

It’s still so dark when they get to set that they can barely see each other’s faces and they end up getting their makeup done sitting sideways in the back seat of the van with their legs dangling out of the open doors. Hyojin finds something about this part comforting. His bangs are being held back with two large clips and one of the makeup noonas is softly dabbing at his face with a sponge wrapped around three of her fingers.

When it’s all of them in a waiting room at a music show or in the corner of some warehouse space, getting ready to shoot together, it’s loud. Someone is always playing music and everyone else is taking that as some sort of challenge and raising their voices above it. It’s fun, it’s them.

Today it’s quiet. Seungjoon is making small talk as he gets his own makeup done but his soft voice is the only thing that carries.

Hyojin talks a little too, because his mother raised a polite boy, but it’s still just a little too early for him to be properly on. He thinks back to the warm hotel sheets and tries to calculate how mad the company would be if they spent all their precious time off sleeping.

It’s starting to lighten by the time they’re both styled and ready to go. Seungjoon is up first and Hyojin stands off to the side trying to make good content for the behind the scenes. 

Under the just waking sky, everything looks crisp and beautiful. Hyojin takes pictures of everything, of the dark treeline biting into the horizon, of the sprawling buildings behind them, of Seungjoon’s back as he rehearses his steps over and over before the director calls action.

Filming stuff like this was weird at first. It’s the sort of thing they spent hours training for, acting classes and schooling different expressions in the practice room mirrors, but it’s different actually watching the mask slip on with a word. The director yells, Seungjoon shuts off and J-Us turns on.

His face is serious in a way Hyojin has seen so many times before but it’s the look behind his eyes that’s different, unfamiliar. 

It’s still kind of weird, and Hyojin is caught between a blooming sense of pride and the need to make fun of Seungjoon for trying so hard. Their staff has a camera trained on him as he imitates Seungjoon’s pained expression, the way he’d run his hands over his own face, and bursts into bright laughter.

As he pulls his hands down he makes eye contact with Seungjoon in the distance and laughs again.

They get set up to film a drone shot of Seungjoon running and Hyojin settles himself in the grass with one of the vlogging cameras they’ve been given to document the trip. That swelling feeling in his chest is easier to swallow when he’s narrating for the video, making jokes and feeling like he at least has an excuse to be watching. 

There’s a long dirt path and Seungjoon stands at the end of it, waiting for his cue. When it comes, he takes off. He has a harder time controlling his face when he’s running like this and when he smiles as he reaches the end of the track it’s all Seungjoon.

Hyojin catches himself smiling too and yells to let Seungjoon know how lame he looks even from a distance.

They need several takes before Seungjoon gets the hang of it and Hyojin brushes the grass from his pants. He gets caught up in the crunch of the ground beneath his feet, reminding himself that this ground is the farthest he’s ever been from home.

The styling team has him in this big long coat with black paneling and heavy zippers that paints him the picture of a lead in a sci-fi movie. It keeps getting caught between his legs as he walks. He only has a loose grasp on what the plot of any of their videos is supposed to be, thinks it’s probably more about looking cool than anything else. 

He knows that there’s a connection between his character and Seungjoon’s and he thinks that it’s important but he can’t quite parse what it _is_.

In all of their preliminary meetings they’d talked about it, about their roles as leaders and how that should translate onto the screen, what over a decade of knowing each other looks like when it’s packaged up and made sellable.

There are so many things Hyojin gives away to the camera, there are only a few things he keeps to himself.

“Hyojin-ah.” Seungjoon calls out to him and even before he turns his head he can hear the challenge in his voice. “Heard you’re a real actor?”

“What?”

Seungjoon’s walking towards him with a camera and staff in tow and his smile is lopsided on his face like when he’s trying not to smile too big too soon. He looks to the camera like it’s an inside joke and says it again. “I heard you’re _such_ a good actor.” 

He falls into step with Hyojin but there’s this space between them as they walk. He measures it in the curve of Seungjoon’s hand on his elbow the night before, the way Seungjoon leans into his space when there’s no audience to see, the way he does when there is.

There are so many things Hyojin gives away to the camera, there are only a few things he keeps to himself and they are this - when they’re alone in the dorms and Seungjoon slides his palm into his, his hands are soft where Hyojin’s are rough and if Seungjoon curls his fingers just right it’s like he’s made a cocoon just to hold him; when they are in the practice room and the cameras are off and Seungjoon is dripping with sweat and leans his head against Hyojin’s shoulder and Hyojin does not shove him away, it feels like they could melt together into the hardwood floor; and when Hyojin loves Seungjoon, it is in that thin space of what is still real.

It is a careful line - close but not too close, affectionate but not _that way_ , theirs and everyone else’s. Hyojin draws his own lines too.

He says _me and Seungjoon do not hold hands_ and means _when he touches me I don’t know if it’s part of the game and I’m afraid to find out_. It is the fear of taking what’s rooted in his chest and letting it twist and gnarl under the wrong light. It is the meetings with managers explaining to him lines that cannot be crossed and it is holding with clasped palms to the last thing that feels like it is his and his alone.

“I saw you copying me.” Seungjoon’s smile is full now, he knows he has Hyojin caught.

“Ah, well,” Hyojin’s lips pull in response. “Anyone can do that.”

Most of filming boils down to sitting around and waiting. Hyojin lounges in the grass, staining his palms, walks down the dirt path when Seungjoon is not running it with a camera in tow and tries not to scuff his boots, takes pictures to send to his mom and to the group chat. He even briefly considers sending one to his sister.

Instead he ends up just fucking around in different tabs on his phone, sends three links to Changyoon in a separate chat because he knows he’ll check his phone even if he’s busy. He does, hits Hyojin with a double text back almost immediately which means he’s definitely in the practice room and definitely supposed to be doing anything else.

This time last week they’d been walking to the place down the street from the company with the 2,000 won jjajangmyeon and free beer if Hyojin batted his eyelashes enough when they walked in. The ahjumma behind the counter liked to pinch their cheeks and ask them about the girlfriends they didn’t have and sometimes they’d make jokes about it to each other afterwards, but only if no one was around to hear.

There’s a quiet understanding with Changyoon that they are the same. Changyoon had told him as much one night when it was dark enough and late enough that the boundaries were thin and he could whisper it into the space of their shared room. 

He asks Hyojin how filming is going and Hyojin sends him a zoomed in crop of the ugly face Seungjoon makes when he runs.

They take their first real break around sunrise, just as the horizon blushes pink and gold behind a line of clouds. Over the wide stretch of open field and concrete, over the tiny shapes of buildings in the distance and the crooked shadows of trees, the sun washes warm.

Seungjoon comes to stand next to him on the old tarmac, shoulder to shoulder with both their phones out to try to capture the moment. It’s hard for a phone screen to capture how beautiful it is, the vividness of the colors, the way the warmth spreads slowly like stretching your arms above your head after first waking, the way that - when Hyojin turns his head to look - the light kisses the tip of Seungjoon’s nose, his cheekbones, the ends of his hair.

Hyojin watches his profile as he takes his pictures and feels like something important is happening, like even if all the pictures are shit he will remember this moment long after they go back home.

He turns to the staff with the behind camera and says something about things that can only be captured with the eyes.

It’s Hyojin’s turn to shoot after that, his turn to run up and down the tarmac and across the grass over and over again while Seungjoon stands off to the side and laughs at him. Some takes he’s too slow, there’s at least two where he trips over the coat, and several where he knows his face looks terrible - not that he’d ever admit that where Seungjoon could hear because Seungjoon definitely had still looked worse.

“Ya, what were you saying earlier?” Seungjoon yells after the director calls cut. “Anyone can do it?”

Hyojin points at him so his vlogging camera can see and tells him to shut up.

The weirdest part about running on command is reacting fast enough when they need him to stop, pushing back against the momentum without stumbling over his own feet or the uneven concrete. There’s always this split moment after he hears the director’s voice but before his body has caught up where he feels a little bit like he’s falling.

It’s fun though, and he feels light in his body as they go through each take. There’s a stylist on stand-by touching up his hair so it looks tousled but not too tousled and Seungjoon narrates like Hyojin is an old nature documentary on KBS.

He’s got the camera in Hyojin’s face now while Hyojin tries not to choke on his sprite. He’s still catching his breath from the last shot.

“The wild deer is a gentle creature.” Seungjoon says in a steady and serious voice.

“Wild deer?”

“Not gentle, not gentle. The wild deer is coming closer. He’s approaching the camera.”

“Stop filming me.” Hyojin laughs as he watches Seungjoon fiddle with the zoom, watching Hyojin through the viewfinder only.

The director calls for him again and he runs.

If the plot for the music video had felt loose and confusing before, actually filming it doesn’t make it any clearer. They’ve moved from the old tarmac to a train station tucked into the woods, all these little buildings and blocks of concrete scattered around and coated in layers of graffiti, old tracks buried under leaves and branches. Hyojin got to go first this time and so far it’s been nothing but artistic shots of his feet.

He’s filming a quick interview for the behind video while staff resets the smoke machine when Seungjoon finds him again.

Seungjoon puts a hand on his shoulder and Hyojin instinctively pushes him away. He’s spent so many years building up this habit, building this wall brick by brick with his hands, he plays it off like it’s a joke. He is acutely aware of Seungjoon’s fingers on his neck, of the way his hip bumps against Hyojin’s hand.

Hyojin draws lines and Seungjoon crosses them.

He touches Hyojin easily like for him it is all the same, like he doesn’t have to think about what it means when he brushes his hand just under his shirt collar or tugs him closer by the shoulder of his jacket. Even when Hyojin knocks his hands away, _especially_ when Hyojin knocks his hands away, Seungjoon reaches for him.

“Were you even watching?” Hyojin asks as Seungjoon insists for the third time that he was only joking about how awkward Hyojin looked on camera.

“Of course, just once.” Seungjoon replies immediately and laughs when Hyojin smacks him again. As if sensing some sort of shift though, he pulls away to add, “You actually did well though.”

“Really?”

“With the smoke you looked like Lee Dongwook sunbaenim.” Seungjoon gestures broadly with his hands now that he’s not clinging to Hyojin’s side. “You know, in Goblin when he...you know.”

“Uh huh.” Hyojin rubs his hands in front of his face, trying to find a little warmth in the chill air.

“I’m trying to say you looked cool.” He nudges his elbow into Hyojin’s side until Hyojin meets his eyes and knows that he means it.

By the time they get to their last filming location the sun is setting heavy on the other side of the day. They’re up in a big abandoned tower and everything feels like it’s stretching endlessly around them. There’s a fog rolling in that makes everything just a bit fuzzy and soft around the edges.

There’s a different energy too, knowing they’re that much closer to being done and back at the hotel and then on _vacation_. It’ll be weeks before any of this starts to come together and they’ve still got work left to do when they go home but for now they are mere hours away from a break.

Hyojin’s changed into a shorter coat, one that doesn’t catch between his legs when he moves, and a choker with a heavy chain looped through the front. Seungjoon slides his finger through the loop and tugs when they’re sitting next to each other, backs against the wall, waiting to start again.

“This is fun.” He tugs again, just taut enough that Hyojin can feel the pressure against the back of his neck, and he smiles.

“Yeah?” Hyojin raises his brow, wraps his hand around Seungjoon’s wrist. “It’s not a toy.”

It’s a rare moment with no camera fixed on them, but there’s still too many eyes, too many staff who could be watching. Seungjoon curls his finger like he’s thinking about tugging Hyojin forward anyway just to see what he’ll do. 

There’s something unfair, Hyojin thinks, about how Seungjoon can look at him through his lashes, with his hand tugging on his throat, and have it mean nothing. Or, maybe not nothing, but not what Hyojin wants it to mean. It’s nothing he can have, but when he chops the side of his hand against Seungjoon’s wrist and gets him to let go, he thinks about what it would be like if he’d kept pulling instead.

They take their turns wrapping up the last of their solo shots and Hyojin has to remind Seungjoon twice not to get too close to the edge where there’s barely anything separating him from falling into the air.

The wind is blowing cold and biting them through their jackets so after they’ve finished and taken a few pictures together because they need to capture that ‘leaders charm’, when Seungjoon rubs his arms with two hot packs tucked against his palms, Hyojin lets him.

In the car on the way back to the hotel, Hyojin is buzzing with adrenaline.

Outside the window, the sun pools orange as far as he can see, streaking warm through the glass against his cheek. He should be exhausted, and probably will be as soon as his body hits the mattress, but right now he just feels this electrical current just under his skin. Day one finished and it’s finally starting to settle that they’ve made it here and soon enough there will be a finished video and a finished album they can hold in their hands and everything that comes with that, music shows and fansigns and variety programs if they’re lucky.

Next to him Seungjoon is bouncing his leg and Hyojin can tell he’s feeling the same. The light traces along his profile, gets caught in the lace of his eyelashes and it takes Hyojin back to that morning, watching him watch the sunrise, but this time Seungjoon catches him staring.

“Tomorrow’s our day.” Seungjoon wiggles his fingers at him. He curls sideways in the backseat and nudges at Hyojin’s calf with the toe of his shoe. “Ah, I want to spend a lot of time at the cathedral. My mom’s going to want so many pictures. Have you checked the weather? Do you think it’ll rain?”

“I think we’ll be fine.” Hyojin knocks his knee against Seungjoon’s shin. He is in the back of a car with his best friend, in a country neither of them have ever been to, with the sun setting hot over their skin. He thinks they’ll be fine.

They eat dinner at the hotel again, them and their staff, and settle back in their room after. Seungjoon has an old episode of _Knowing Bros_ playing on his phone while they get ready for bed, the cast laughter sounding tinny and distant crackling through the little speakers. Hyojin closes his eyes and pictures them in the school uniforms, standing up there and making their own jokes.

He is so grateful for everything they have and he knows every release is another step up towards what they all ache for but he needs to hold onto that greed anyway, the part of him that is always desperate for more.

Across the room Seungjoon is rummaging through his bag, going through all the motions of his night routine. Hyojin wants to say something stupid, the kind of thing he’d only say now when he can barely keep his eyes open and it’s only him and Seungjoon, something like _when will it be our turn?_ Instead, he rolls over.

Their alarms go off in a horrible symphony in the morning and Hyojin is pulled out of a dream where he’d been floating on his back in an endless sea. He loses more and more details with each sleepy blink of his eyes but he thinks it was a good one.

He blindly feels around for his phone until the alarm goes silent and it’s still earlier than he’d like but at least today the sun is already up.

Hyojin gets ready in a tight fifteen minutes, not doing much more than showering off the last of the makeup residue from the night before and running the dryer through his hair. He pats some moisturizer on in the mirror on the bathroom door just to look a little more alive.

Seungjoon on the other hand takes his time, spreading the contents of his cosmetics bag over the desk and talking Hyojin through every tip he’s ever picked up from their stylists like he’s making a tutorial. 

“Hyojin-ah,” Seungjoon calls out, wrapping his hair around the straightener and pulling. “Doesn’t it look nice?”

“Yeah, you did good.” Hyojin replies, mindful of the vlogging camera propped on the back of the desk. He knows today belongs to the fans as much as it belongs to them.

“I’ve never done it myself before.” Seungjoon leans in closer to the mirror, feeding another section of hair into the straightener and twisting his wrist. He’s fishing for compliments but Hyojin’s known him too long to take the bait.

It’s easy moving around each other, like steps to a dance they’ve spent ten years practicing. Sleep seeps out and gives way to excitement, that light feeling. 

Hyojin shoves all of his things into Seungjoon’s backpack and spends the rest of the time it takes Seungjoon to perfect his look sprawled on the bed reorganizing the photo albums on his phone. 

They meet their staff in the lobby at half past nine. Both staff already have their cameras set up and ready to go, just in case they say or do anything worth editing in on the way over. It’s exactly what they’ve gotten used to though, the constant monitoring, and this kind feels almost comfortable. 

As much time as Hyojin spends walking the lines between real and fake, the mask he builds and the one he takes off, he’s not sure what he’d actually do without it all. 

They make it approximately three steps out the front doors of the hotel before Seungjoon twists to ask Hyojin if he remembered to pack his wallet for him and they stand there in the morning chill bickering about whose responsibility that was for two full minutes before Hyojin thinks to spin him around and unzip his bag to check. 

Seungjoon monologues at the camera while Hyojin roots around through all the shit they ended up bringing with them - a sunglasses case, _his_ wallet, a portable charger with a little kakao friends print along one side, smudged from use. 

He finds it, at the bottom, under everything, and zips Seungjoon’s backpack back up. 

From there it’s mostly smooth sailing. Seungjoon pulls the map up on his phone and they take turns trying out the words _Brandenburg Gate_ in english just in case they get lost and need to ask for directions.

“Do you have a transit card?” Seungjoon asks, staring intently at his phone screen, tongue poked in the corner of his mouth so it’s serious.

“Why would I have a German transit card?” Hyojin blinks at him even though he’s not looking. “When have we _ever_ been to Germany?”

Seungjoon laughs bright at that like he hadn’t been the one to ask a stupid question in the first place and pulls Hyojin down into the station. They’re halfway down the steps when Seungjoon turns and tosses a joke over shoulder about how they all need to trust him completely today. 

And Hyojin does, at the end of the day, trust Seungjoon implicitly. Hyojin also operates with a baseline buzzing current of anxiety at almost all times. So even in trusting Seungjoon, there is a part of him that assumes they are messing this entire process up.

They find a ticket machine and fumble their way through the instructions which Seungjoon takes with full confidence while Hyojin stands next to him and worries. 

“You got all of them?” Hyojin asks, leaning into Seungjoon’s shoulder so Seungjoon can dump the rest of the coins into his waiting hand. He counts them out while Seungjoon checks the tickets against his map app again.

“Yup.” Seungjoon replies, with all that sureness.

It takes another minute for them to punch their tickets and figure out where to go but they get it together and some of the anxiety subsides. Hyojin takes control of their vlogging camera as they march down the hallway under all the fluorescent lights looking for somewhere to sit and wait.

“I’ve never taken the subway in another country before.” Seungjoon’s walking close enough to Hyojin that their shoulders keep bumping together, trying to keep himself in frame at all times. There’s this bounce in his step, this giddiness.

“If we keep doing this we’ll get used to it, right?” Hyojin asks looking past the camera in his hands out to the tracks. 

Seungjoon hums in response.

They find a bench eventually and Hyojin worries his lip between his teeth while they wait. There aren’t that many other people at this part of the track, a couple holding hands, a family of four talking loudly, another set of tourists who look just as lost as Hyojin feels. Everyone’s spread out like dots and dashes all down the linoleum.

Hyojin repeats Seungjoon’s sentiment about having never taken the train before, but this time specifically so the camera can catch it. He knows it’s a relatable feeling at least.

“Well, we’ll figure it out.” Seungjoon pats Hyojin’s thigh. “Besides, I want to try the bus too, I think. Just to see? There’re always taxis too.”

“When in Berlin,” Hyojin smiles, tight. 

He wants to try everything too, he thinks, probably. He’d like to get through this first. 

The train comes and Seungjoon triple checks the stations they need against what’s listed on the screen and Hyojin realizes this isn’t that different from the Seoul subway after all. At least similar enough that he can stop biting at his cuticles thinking about getting off in the wrong place or accidentally offending someone somehow. 

Hyojin tucks himself close to Seungjoon by the subway door and their staff stick close too, a closed unit. 

It’s a short ride before their transfer, barely enough to feel like it counts for anything. They have to run down the tracks to make their next train. Seungjoon’s backpack bounces against his back and Hyojin feels like one wrong move and he’ll lose his grip on the vlogging camera and send it tumbling to the tile. 

Seungjoon slams the button to the train door with probably more force than necessary and then they’re back in a corner like before. 

Seungjoon’s got this big smile on his face and Hyojin can’t help but mirror it.

“Is this the right one?” Hyojin asks, catching his breath. 

“Yes, yeah.” Seungjoon replies, barely checking though he’s still got it all pulled up on his phone just in case and because he knows Hyojin will ask. 

“What if it’s not?”

“Then we get off and find a cab.”

Seungjoon settles in next to him, leaning his back against the wall of the car. 

“I think I did a great job, personally.”

“Yeah, well, I’m bad with directions so this is all you.” Hyojin says and he even lets himself relax a bit too. “I want to press the button next time though.”

“Alright, I’ll be in charge of navigation...and handsomeness.” Seungjoon hums as he closes his eyes. “You can be in charge of button pushing.”

Hyojin pushes him.

The second half of the ride isn’t much longer than the first, just enough time to get some more shots in for the inevitable vlog. Seungjoon makes some comment about today’s video being all natural, despite his little tutorial he’d filmed that morning, and tells Hyojin how good he looks on camera when Hyojin reveals that he’s _actually_ bare-faced for the day. He’s no stranger to Seungjoon’s compliments or his teasing, but it feels weirdly sincere for what it is. Hyojin tries not to think about it. 

When they get to their final stop, Hyojin does get to press the button. 

It’s warmed up by the time they make it back out onto street level, the sun breaking out behind the clouds of the morning. There’s more people out too, buzzing about their days, living out their own lives. 

Seungjoon checks his map again and pretends the longer walk they’ll have to take is all according to plan. 

“Ah, wait, hold on…” Seungjoon stops in his tracks and Hyojin slows in front of him. “My sunglasses.”

“Really? Sunglasses?” Hyojin watches him root through his backpack until he pulls out the case, wrestles a pair of black sunglasses from it. 

“Yeah, how do they look?” Seungjoon slides them onto his face and preens. An older woman pushes past him on the sidewalk. “Cool, right?”

“Yeah, _so_ cool.” Hyojin shifts the camera to make sure it captures Seungjoon fully, the dumb pose he steps back to pull. He’d meant it to sound sarcastic, but Seungjoon does look handsome. He looks like a celebrity, which Hyojin supposes they are, technically, but it certainly doesn’t feel like it here. 

He throws his arms out and the loose fabric of his white shirt billows around him. There’s a moment where it catches on the breeze and Hyojin can see the line of his waist, his chest, he tries not to think about this either.

“Here, let me try.”

Seungjoon hands the glasses over and takes the camera in exchange. His eyes rake over Hyojin for a moment before he coos in response. 

“Oh so handsome, so handsome.” He reaches out and shoves at Hyojin’s shoulder. “Here, come get in the sunlight.”

Hyojin does his own pose for the camera, cocking his chin up, playing at every shitty paparazzi photo of every hot male actor he’s ever seen. 

“These are mine now I think.” Hyojin says, making a face that he hopes comes off as cool.

“Oh, yeah? Yours?” Seungjoon reaches out for them and Hyojin masterfully swats his hands away. He tries again, laughing as he gets his fingers around the frames. “Oh wait, there’s Tierga _rrr_ ten.”

Seungjoon drags out the r, rolling it on his tongue, and takes the opportunity to fully snatch the glasses back when Hyojin turns to look. 

Tiergarten is the first place on their list for the day, a sprawling park in central Berlin. It’s wide and green and they walk the path between lines of trees. 

It looks different from all the pictures they’d seen online, when they’d made their list on the living room floor, not quite as in bloom. It’s still pretty though, Hyojin likes it. He would like it more if they hadn’t skipped breakfast at the hotel, but he likes it.

“I’m so hungry.” He whines, trying to keep pace with Seungjoon. “So tired.”

“You’re so _old_.” Seungjoon laughs. “Alright, pause. Bench.”

He pulls them over to the side and they both collapse into the chipped green painted bench. Seungjoon swings his backpack around into his lap and pulls his map back up on his phone, zooming and squinting and then pulling back out and doing it again.

“We don’t have that much farther to go,” Seungjoon pokes his tongue out while he’s scrolling, like it’s all very serious. “If your brittle bird bones can make it.”

Hyojin shuffles down on the bench so he can hang his head against the back. He folds his hands over his stomach and closes his eyes. “When you’re my age you’ll understand.”

Next to him Seungjoon huffs and Hyojin can almost feel him roll his eyes.

“Hey, the lighting’s nice here.” He says after a moment of quiet. “We should take some pictures.”

Hyojin sits up then, stretching his arms up above his head, and he can feel Seungjoon watching him still as he does it. He meets his eyes but can’t read his expression, the purse of his lips. “What?”

“Nothing.” Seungjoon says, breaking the contact. He reaches into his backpack to dig out the polaroid camera and one of their staff hurries over to take it from him. “I just said the lighting’s nice. You look good here.”

Hyojin isn’t really sure how to pose for these. It’s not like they get to keep them anyway. Seungjoon tugs both of his legs up onto the bench, knee pressed to Hyojin’s thigh, and closes his eyes like a content cat in a patch of sun. Hyojin leans forward on his hands and tries not to look as awkward as he feels.

They get up after that and Seungjoon ends up with his hand draped around Hyojin’s shoulder while they walk. 

The path lets them out at the backside of Brandenburg Gate and it’s impressive even from where they stand across the street. It’s swarming with people, but in their pocket of the park there’s still a calmness. 

Hyojin gets some good footage of it for their vlog, scanning up from the sidewalk over the looming arches. Once he has it though, without really thinking, he finds his attention drifting.

Seungjoon is crouched off to the side, trying to take pictures on his phone. He’s got his fully concentrated face on as he tilts his cracked screen to get a better angle. Hyojin zooms in to catch the way he furrows his brow right before he finally gets his shot.

Hyojin catches himself and swings his lens back to the gate, tells the camera it looks so cool.

They find breakfast at a stall not too far from there and Seungjoon orders for all four of them in stilted english. The man handing them their boulettes surprises them by saying thank you back in korean. 

Off to the side there are three sets of picnic tables, the same chipped green paint as the benches in the park, and they claim one that’s not baking in direct sunlight. They’re close enough to the street to hear every car passing by but the city sounds are mingled with birds chirping up in the trees. Hyojin sets the camera down on the table while they eat, checks twice to make sure they’re both in frame.

“Bread is different here.” He says thoughtfully after his first bite. “It’s, like, not sweet.”

“It was like that in LA too.” Seungjoon replies, leaning down to take his own bite without spilling all over his white shirt. He’s mid-chew when he sits up straight and whines, shoulders slumping. “Ah, wait, I forgot to take a picture.”

“We’re going to eat so much today, I think it’ll be fine.”

“I don’t want to forget anything though.”

He ends up taking one anyway, carefully angling his sandwich to hide the mouth-shaped chunk missing from the side. They take more polaroid shots too. Hyojin gets a good one of Seungjoon with his mouth half-full and Seungjoon returns the favor by capturing the exact moment Hyojin dribbles sprite down his chin.

They walk to the Bundestag and take more pictures there too. They take turns with each other’s phones. Seungjoon hops up on a slab of concrete and throws his arms out wide like he’s on top of the world. 

Down closer to the Spree, there’s even more people soaking in the nice weather. Two girls are leaning over the railing trying to take a video of the little boats passing by, one of them grabs the others hips to keep her steady. They laugh and lean into each other as they step back down onto the concrete.

There’s buskers here too. Hyojin can’t stop watching. It’s a completely different atmosphere than standing in Hongdae, watching teams dance to k-pop songs or sing the same two Busker Busker songs on their acoustic guitars. He loves that too, but it feels different from standing here in the daylight and watching this older man play violin. He doesn’t recognize the song but it’s practiced and it’s beautiful. 

“This is so nice.” Seungjoon says, coming to stand next to him. He lets out this little bubbly laugh that matches the feeling in Hyojin’s chest.

“Seriously, I’ve never seen someone do classical busking before. It’s so-” Hyojin turns his head and Seungjoon is already gone, run off ahead. Hyojin redirects to the camera instead. “He never listens to me.”

Their manager huffs out a laugh off frame, pans the camera for just a second to follow Seungjoon down the path and then back to Hyojin’s face.

Even once the camera is down, Hyojin finds himself wanting to linger so he does. He stands there with their manager and the sun is so bright it makes all the shadows look fake, painted in. He almost wants to ask Seungjoon for his stupid sunglasses again.

They stand there through another song, just quiet and watching.

During the next break, when the old man takes a pause to swig from a plastic water bottle, Hyojin finally tears himself away. He walks slowly with the manager in the direction Seungjoon - and consequently the other staff - had wandered off in earlier.

It’s louder over here, less the ambient sounds of instruments and conversation and more cheering and noise.

Hyojin’s half-way through asking their manager what he thinks about it when he hears the pitch of Seungjoon’s voice above it all. 

“Hyojin-ah,” He’s hurrying back to Hyojin’s side and his voice is caught between a laugh and something else. His arm is pitched at a weird angle, phone still clutched in his hand with the camera open like he couldn’t stand to pause for even a second. “Hyojin-ah, there’s a ladybug.”

He’s pointing at it with his free hand and without even thinking about it Hyojin reaches out and gently plucks it from his sleeve. 

“Bye-bye.” Hyojin flicks it away and vaguely remembers reading somewhere that ladybugs are supposed to be good luck.

Seungjoon swoons, eyes crinkling at the corners. “My hero.”

On their way back to Brandenburg Gate, the right way round this time, they pass a sign that says ‘U’ in one big block letter and Seungjoon vows to document all of them for Yuto back home.

The crowd on this side of the gate is thick and loud, everyone angling to get their perfect picture. Seungjoon pushes himself up close against Hyojin’s back and they cycle through poses until their manager gives them a thumbs up.

It’s around lunchtime by the time they finish and Seungjoon bounces on his feet when he realizes that means it’s almost time for the cathedral. When they’d put together their list, Berlin Cathedral had been at the top of Seungjoon’s.

Seungjoon insists on taking the bus next, just to do it. He also claims he remembers where the bus stop is without checking his map, which Hyojin is a little skeptical about but lets him lead the way anyway. One day following Seungjoon like this will probably get him into trouble - he isn’t sure that will stop him.

The bus stop ends up being mostly where Seungjoon said it was and he’s only a little bit smug about it.

For some reason Hyojin feels less nervous on the bus than he’d had on the subway, but Seungjoon seems to feel the opposite. He stays close and runs Hyojin through his conversation with the driver twice.

They get off right in front of the cathedral and it is looming and gorgeous. Seungjoon has his phone out and tilted towards the sky before the bus even clears.

Out front there’s a large green lawn dotted with people, leaning back on their palms in the grass or laying down under the afternoon sun. 

“Hey, we should take a video for the kids.” Hyojin says after another round of pictures - them together in front of the cathedral, Seungjoon alone on his back in the grass, backpack flung down next to him.

“What should we say?” Seungjoon asks, swiping his finger across his screen.

“Hm, ask what they’re doing.” Hyojin says, then laughs. “Tell them they should be practicing.” 

Seungjoon angles his phone to make sure the cathedral is visible behind them and drags Hyojin in closer by the sleeve of his jacket. He sends the video to their group chat and immediately Minkyun sends back a picture of their dinner.

“I could, uh, I could eat actually.” Hyojin says, hooking his chin over Seungjoon’s shoulder just so he can look at his screen. 

“You can always eat.” Seungjoon reaches up and runs his fingers through Hyojin’s bangs.

It’s enough to make Hyojin freeze, for him to catch himself. He remembers the cameras, his rules. He takes a step back.

Seungjoon looks at him for a moment, lips thin, and then claps his hands together. “Okay, lunch first then.”

They pick the closest little restaurant symbol on Seungjoon’s map and decide to just go for it. It’s less than a ten minute walk, just off the Museumsinsel, and the buildings along the way all feel plucked out of some old movie. 

Outside the restaurant there’s a row of tables with umbrellas, all packed in the nice weather, and just past that the menu printed on a little stand propped on the sidewalk. 

Seungjoon scans it with his finger carefully, says “Hyojin-ah, they have that pasta you like.”

After they eat, Hyojin stealing half the fries off Seungjoon’s plate, they trace their way back. Seungjoon’s been in a good mood all day but it’s radiating off him in waves now. He keeps smiling around the lip of his coffee cup.

They take one more picture outside but this time it’s just for Seungjoon’s mom.

Inside the chapel it is so quiet that every step, every breath reverberates. The ceiling is cavernous, stained glass dove spreading its pristine wings against a yellow halo, light seeping in and stretching its sleepy hands down over the paintings on the walls, the gold and the marble. 

Seungjoon takes it all in with eyes wide and glittering. Hyojin can acutely hear the swish of Seungjoon’s pants as he walks, the sound of his palm against the wood where he drags it along the pews.

They sit and Hyojin thinks he’s supposed to be looking at the tiling, or the glass, any of the things Seungjoon points his phone at and sends off rapid-fire to his mom. Instead his eyes keep catching on the way Seungjoon’s cheeks curve around a smile, the way his eyes look when he’s excited.

The whole trip has felt a little bit like they’ve been placed in a bubble. This weird space that belongs to just the two of them. He feels it more here, in the quiet, in the reverence.

“Let’s go light candles.” Seungjoon whispers to him, pointing to a lit metal tree of a candelabra at the front of the room.

“What are they for?” Hyojin asks when Seungjoon is shoving one in his direction. The candle fits neatly in one palm, the words _Berliner Dom_ printed in a faded black across the wax.

“They’re prayer candles.”

Hyojin grew up in and out of churches, every Sunday his mother taking him and his sister by the hand in their nicest clothes. He knows how to pray, hands clasped, knees on the floor at the edge of his bed. He sang choir, played bass, did all the things he thought he was supposed to do. 

When he was little he believed in it more, but there came a point where it was less about the faith and more about the people.

He follows Seungjoon over to the candelabra and watches him tilt his unlit candle against the flame of another and does the same. It takes a few tries for the wick to catch.

“We have to put ours together.” Seungjoon says, quiet, scanning for empty places in the candelabra. He finds a spot towards the bottom, two little metal palms reaching out to them open and waiting. Seungjoon places his candle first and watches while Hyojin does the same. 

Seungjoon surveys their candles for a moment before he closes his eyes with a satisfied hum and Hyojin remembers they’re supposed to pray. 

He clasps his hands together palm to palm and tucks away behind the dark of his eyelids for a moment. Next to him, he can hear the sound of Seungjoon’s breathing even and steady. It all feels entirely too vulnerable given the audience and Hyojin feels a bit like a kid on a field trip following after their teacher.

He lets himself sink into the moment anyway. He feels like he’s supposed to be thinking of something special, something big. Instead he just finds himself feeling grateful to be here - here as a singer, here in Berlin, here with Seungjoon.

When they’d both joined the company, there had been so much excitement, so much fear. It had felt like everything was coming together and yet at the same time like they were stumbling blind through the dark. Every year that passed, all the other trainees who came and went. They worked so hard, Hyojin can still feel all the bruises if he presses right. 

He knows he’s lucky to have even made it this far, even luckier to have Seungjoon with him through it all. Not everyone gets that.

Hyojin is grateful, but there’s also a part of him that still wants more than he has. That will _always_ want more. He thinks that might make him selfish, greedy, he’s not sure it matters. 

He cracks one eye open to see if Seungjoon has finished and finds that he is doing the same. They share a soft smile, private despite the cameras so close to their faces, and Seungjoon claps his hands together.

“Should we go up to the roof now?”

Hyojin nods and wonders what Seungjoon prayed for.

The steps up to the top of the cathedral are long and winding, lined with framed photos from different angles and eras. Seungjoon says it reminds him of Hogwarts when they’re about half-way up and Hyojin is trying to pretend he’s not out of breath. 

When they get up to the outer walkway, two hundred and seventy steps later, it’s narrow and they have to stay close together but the view is incredible - Berlin stretching out all around them under a clear sky. 

It’s louder up here, sounds of the city opening up outside of the cathedral walls, other tourists chatting comfortably as they take the loop around before heading back inside. Seungjoon wraps his hand around Hyojin’s shoulder and Hyojin lets him.

“Everyone’s going to the left.” Seungjoon says, mouth curling like he’s up to something. “Should we go to the right?”

Hyojin watches the flow of people walking towards them for a moment and then nods his head. “Let’s go.”

It turns out they can’t, in fact, go that way - or so the large sign tells them when they try. Seungjoon hides his embarrassment in squeezing Hyojin’s shoulder as he turns him around. He only lets go when they reach a part of the walkway too narrow for them to both take at once and Hyojin weirdly finds himself missing the weight.

The walkway widens again and gives them a great view of the Spree river. If Hyojin squints he can make out where they’d stopped earlier, where the busker was.

Everything is beautiful up here - the darkness of the river, the brick and stone and metal of all the buildings below, the way Seungjoon smiles as he leans on his elbows against the railing. The sky is so blue and the sun catches bright on his white shirt. Hyojin feels like he’s wading through a painting. He wants to get his hands into it.

They take turns taking pictures of each other. Seungjoon flattens himself against the wall so he can get just the right angle of Hyojin looking out at the scenery.

“Wow, you look like a painting.” Seungjoon’s face is almost entirely blocked out by the way he’s holding his phone. Hyojin has kind of always harbored a secret fear that Seungjoon can read his mind. He knows it’s probably just his own neuroses and the side effect of a decade of friendship, but it’s a fear all the same. Seungjoon pushes off the wall. “So pretty, here, look.”

Hyojin leans as Seungjoon swipes through his camera roll. There’s something about the way Seungjoon talks as he scrolls that makes Hyojin’s stomach flutter.

The pictures are beautiful, _like a painting_ , and Hyojin’s red hair stands out so bright against everything around him. Seungjoon is so pleased with himself too, zooming in on Hyojin’s profile in one of the pictures like he’d brushed it in himself.

“Here, take some for me?” Seungjoon asks as he’s shoving his phone into Hyojin’s hands and shrugging out of his backpack.

Hyojin tries to imitate the angle Seungjoon had been taking pictures from, elbows up and neck craning. He directs Seungjoon through different poses while Seungjoon squints around the sun.

With his eyes closed and smile wide, it’s easy for Hyojin to stare. He might be staring through the glass of Seungjoon’s phone screen, but he is definitely staring. It’s funny because Hyojin knows part of their job description might as well say _professionally handsome_ but he doesn’t actually spend that much time thinking about it.

He’d be lying if he said he’d never seen the way Jaeyoung’s arms flex or the way Minkyun’s cheeks dimple when he smiles and felt something. It’s different with Seungjoon though. He’s handsome, but he’s also annoying, and someone who has seen Hyojin through all of his worst and most embarrassing moments. That’s something that shouldn’t make it better but it _does_.

There’s something about knowing when a smile is real and reserved for him, like the one Seungjoon gives him as he hands back his phone, that just makes Hyojin feel like he’s walking on air.

“Let me take some of the two of you.” One of their staff says then, reaching out for Seungjoon’s phone as she tucks her hair behind her ear.

They crowd up together against the railing and Hyojin is starting to sweat through his long-sleeved shirt with all the sun. They’re already so close - shoulder to shoulder, elbow to elbow - as the staff fires away but then, without even looking, Seungjoon swings his arm up and around Hyojin’s shoulders.

“I have to do something like this right?” Seungjoon’s smile is clear as day in Hyojin’s peripheral. “Even though we’re not close, I _suppose_ I can give it a try.”

He squeezes Hyojin in even closer with a sigh, like it’s really a hardship for him. He gets one more huff out before he’s smiling again, bright and all teeth.

When they’re given back that phone and looking over the pictures, that’s one Hyojin decides he’ll keep just for himself. In the photo Hyojin is looking out at the cityscape, but Seungjoon is looking at him with his fullest smile, eyes crinkled at the corners. It almost looks candid and if Hyojin lets himself pretend for just a minute it almost looks like Seungjoon wants to get his hands into him too.

“Let’s take one more with our arms out.” Hyojin says handing the phone to their staff.

“Like we’re on top of the world?”

“Like we’re on top of the world.”

Back down on the ground, Hyojin is still floating. The weather has been nice all day but the sun is starting to dip now and everything is golden. They have one stop left on their list today - the East Side Gallery. 

Like their earlier promise, they opt for a cab this time. Seungjoon keeps touching him while they wait, just mindless hands on his arms, his shoulders. 

They climb into the back together and Seungjoon immediately sighs in relief when his head hits the back of the seat. Originally the plan had been to walk this part but that plan was made before the two hundred steps and all the other walking. 

The cab ride takes less than ten minutes and half of that is spent navigating angling their elbows so the staff shoved into the seat next to them won’t show up in their vlog and the other half is mostly Seungjoon complaining about his feet. They do double check their list too, Seungjoon leaning in close so Hyojin can see.

There was never going to be enough time to do everything, but it feels different actually looking at this list they’d made and knowing how much of it they’ll never get to.

“It felt like we had so much time when we got here.” Hyojin says to the camera, thinking about how he’d felt just last night and now their day is almost over. Then their trip, and then it’ll be back home and right into all the other work they have to do before promotions.

“It’s going so fast, like, you don’t even realize.” Seungjoon pouts next to him. He shifts in his seat so he’s more in frame. “I think, for just one day, we did good though? Two to three big tourist things in one day, that’s not bad.”

“This makes three, right?”

“Yeah, this is three.” Seungjoon leans forward in his seat so he can watch out the taxi window as the start of the gallery wall comes into view. It’s right on the river and there are people gathered in pockets all along it, posing with the murals and snapping their photos.

The cab driver lets them off on the sidewalk and they ease into the flow of the other tourists walking. 

“Hyojinnie, if there’s any pictures you want just tell me and I’ll make sure they come out good, okay?” Seungjoon tucks close enough to his side that he barely has to move his hand when he pinches Hyojin’s waist. 

They weave their way in and out of the crowds of other people. Some of the murals are more popular than others, forming little clusters of traffic, but it’s nice to just take everything in. Hyojin poses with a space-themed mural that matches the NASA logo on his shirt, Seungjoon squats down in front of one that is all bright swaths of color.

Next to the wall is the Spree again and they settle themselves along the edge.

“I’m not gonna fall in, right?” Seungjoon asks as he carefully lowers himself so his legs dangle over the water. The sun is reflecting so bright it makes everything sparkle. “How do I look?”

“You look cool.” Hyojin says and it feels like an understatement. Seungjoon is glowing under the setting sun, breeze pushing through his hair. He’s too busy trying to get a picture of his feet sticking out over the water to see how Hyojin looks at him, but Hyojin feels tight in his chest. “Hey, let me take a picture of you. I think this’ll be one of the best ones, if we take one here.”

Hyojin directs him through it and then they switch again. Seungjoon squats next to him and sighs with the phone in his hand.

“You should’ve let me do your hair today.” He says, pouting his lips as he snaps a few pictures. 

“It looks fine.”

Seungjoon just clicks his tongue against his teeth.

After Seungjoon decides he’s satisfied, he settles back into the space next to Hyojin and they sit there looking out over the river. Around them there are so many other people enjoying it, having their own conversations, kids laughing as their parents make sure they don’t get too close and fall in. It’s nice to just sit, to just feel where they are.

On the train back towards their hotel, they snag a seat on the end. Hyojin leans against the wall and Seungjoon leans into him. He spends half the ride scrolling back through his camera roll and the other half trying to find a good place for them to grab dinner while Hyojin watches over his shoulder.

There’s some time to kill before dinner so they wander around the stores near their hotel until it’s fully dark outside.

“I think we got done everything we wanted to today.” Seungjoon says, holding the vlog camera up and away from his face. Hyojin lifts his shopping bag, mostly souvenirs for the boys back home, for his family, into frame. “We’ll have some time tomorrow, too. Now we’re heading to dinner and-”

“I’m hungry.” Hyojin whines in a way that makes Seungjoon laugh. “Hungry, hungry, hungry.”

“Should we eat?”

“Please.”

Dinner is at a Turkish cafe just by their hotel, one Seungjoon had found on his phone earlier while they were on the train. They get seated at a table outside near the door, under one of those big outdoor umbrellas.

It’s fully night now but under the bright restaurant lights Hyojin just feels warm. The weather is that perfect vacation weather like everything is as it should be and they’ve got all the time in the world to enjoy it. It doesn’t feel like it’s their last night, like tomorrow they’ll be back on the plane and back to work.

They order different kinds of beer and take turns trying each other’s. Seungjoon pulls a face after he’s taken a sip from Hyojin’s bottle, but Hyojin likes the taste.

In the vlog camera viewfinder Hyojin catches his cheeks growing flushed the more they drink. His hair is starting to curl from the humidity and he tries to tame it with his hand but it just looks messier. Seungjoon too looks loose and relaxed as he takes another pull from his own bottle.

“Should we talk about our trip?” He says, cutting into his food. He bumps his elbow into Hyojin’s as he does.

“How’d you feel today?” Hyojin pushes his fork through his pasta.

“Ah, it was really...I’d say better than a vacation?” Seungjoon smiles and waits for Hyojin to do the same, a mirror of contentment. Their eyes meet over the tops of their beers. “I loved it. Really though, even though I’ve traveled before this felt like a real trip.”

Seungjoon saws through his food dramatically, cutting off a big bite, and sighs before it makes it into his mouth. “Ah, is it because I’m with Hyojin?”

He’s got this dreamy look on his face and Hyojin knows he’s joking but it stirs something weird in his stomach anyway. Hyojin laughs, but it’s more a rush of air through his nose than anything real. 

“In a way, this was your first trip though, right?” Seungjoon looks at him more seriously for a moment. “And that first trip is with me. Isn’t that great?”

“Yeah,” and Hyojin lets himself laugh for real now. “Yeah, it was good.”

“Good?”

“Great.”

Seungjoon smiles bigger then and Hyojin feels a little bit like he’s floating in it. He puts down his fork and leans forward onto his elbows on the table so he can look at Seungjoon while he talks.

It really was great, being here together, the two of them. When they travel for group schedules it’s usually a lot of the insides of hotel rooms, rushing from van to venue, maybe a few hours of free time if they’re really lucky. So many cities they’ve been to without feeling like they’ve been there at all.

And when it comes down to it, Hyojin has had so many firsts with Seungjoon, it only makes sense to add this one to the list. First best friend, first audition, first boy he wanted to kiss, everything came back to Seungjoon.

“Honestly, I think I’ve done a lot of things for the first time with you.” Hyojin says and means it. It feels like he’s saying more than he meant to, but it’s true.

“Tell me.”

Maybe it’s the beer, or maybe it’s the way Seungjoon’s lips pull when he asks, but Hyojin does. “Well, there’s a lot. My first time being a trainee, first time debuting-”

_First person he ever fought with in any way that mattered. First person who made him so mad he felt like he could shatter his own teeth._

“Oh, that’s right.” Seungjoon hums, thoughtful. 

_First_ you’re like a package deal. _First_ can’t have one without the other. _First time_ wanting _that._

“Being on stage for the first time.”

_First time being in love._

Seungjoon’s not even looking at him when he responds, focused much more on the plate in front of him. He’s still cutting when he says, “In some ways, you’ve had all your firsts with me, but I think there were things that, for me, weren’t the first time.”

Hyojin has no idea what that means and knows he can’t ask the questions he wants to on camera, in front of their staff. _You’ve had all your firsts with me._ He opens his mouth and then shuts it. _But they weren’t firsts for me._ He wants to parrot Seungjoon from before, say _Tell me_. 

Instead he says, “But they were all firsts for me.”

“I’m touched, Hyojinnie.” Seungjoon bumps their elbows again.

Hyojin catches himself picking at his own fingers, a bad habit he can’t ever seem to fully break. He reaches for his beer again and the cold of the bottle feels good against his skin.

“I think sometimes, even if you travel,” Seungjoon pivots then, puts down his fork and knife, and gets his face way too close to Hyojin’s. “It doesn’t feel like a trip. But, today was just...comforting? It was comfortable.”

“Because you were with me?” Hyojin means it to come off as a joke even though his brain is firing in a thousand different directions but Seungjoon’s face goes soft and sincere.

“Yup!” He laughs and it twists that weird feeling in Hyojin’s gut. “Not everyone gets that. I think if I had to rate it out of ten…I’d say nine?”

“Nine?”

“Yeah, I’ll save the last point for now.”

Hyojin needs to say something but doesn’t know what so he settles for raising his bottle and waits for Seungjoon to do the same so they can clink the necks together. “Well, to a good trip and working even harder when we get home.”

“Let’s do it.” Seungjoon smiles and knocks back the rest of his drink.

Hyojin feels all light and weird when they get back up to their room. Maybe he shouldn’t have had so much beer, maybe he shouldn’t let everything Seungjoon says get to him the way he does.

“I’m taking first shower.” He says while Seungjoon is still taking off his shoes. He doesn’t wait for a response, just grabbing clean pajamas as quickly as he can before slipping into the bathroom.

There’s a quiet relief that comes with the bathroom door clicking shut. It’s a tangible barrier, if temporary, between Hyojin and everything he knows he’s not allowed to have. He thinks about their conversation again as he turns the tap as hot as it will go. 

_You’ve had all your firsts with me._ It feels like a joke but Seungjoon is the only one laughing. 

Hyojin strips out of his clothes and lets the scalding water beat against his back. He’s not even sure why the concept upsets him. Of course Seungjoon has done things without him, will do things without him. Even in knowing each other half their lives, there was a time before Seungjoon and now around him. Hyojin’s probably had firsts without him too.

More than maybe the idea that Seungjoon is having firsts without him, it’s the idea that Seungjoon is keeping secrets.

It’s not fair and Hyojin knows that, knows he’s up to his ass in secrets of his own, but he’d for some reason never thought that Seungjoon could be doing the same. He’s trying to decide if there’s a way to ask without turning the mirror back on himself when he hears the bathroom door click open.

Over the sound of the shower, Hyojin can hear Seungjoon shuffling around, and then he slides the curtain open and steps in behind him.

“‘M tired.” Seungjoon hums, leaning his cheek against Hyojin’s shoulder. Hyojin can feel the purse of his lips against his skin when he speaks. “You were taking too long.”

They’ve showered together before, it’s a side effect of living in a trainee dorm with too many boys and not enough hot water. It doesn’t mean anything, even when Seungjoon shifts his face so it’s his forehead pressed into Hyojin’s shoulder instead of his cheek.

“Switch with me.” Hyojin says gently.

They shift carefully so Seungjoon can get under the spray and Hyojin sighs. Now that they’ve stopped moving he’s bone tired too, could curl up in the shower steam and float down the drain.

“Hyojin-ah,” Seungjoon says after a few moments of silence. “Do my hair?”

So much is different when they’re alone, just Hyojin and Seungjoon. No cameras, no walls, just them. Hyojin pulls Seungjoon down by his shoulders so he can lather shampoo into his hair and doesn’t think about the touch at all.

They’ve done this before too. Sometimes when they’re so overworked from practice they can barely lift their arms, it’s easier to lean on each other.

Seungjoon’s hair is soft under his hands and their faces are so close. If Hyojin wanted to, if he was brave, he could lean forward and do something dangerous. Instead he keeps his eyes fixed on his hands as he works. He tilts Seungjoon’s head back to rinse it all away.

“This has been good, right?” Seungjoon asks as they pass the little hotel body wash between them. 

“Yeah?” Hyojin furrows his brow. 

“Like,” Seungjoon pauses. He reaches out and taps his fingers against Hyojin’s wrist, against the ink of his tattoo. “We’re good, right?”

“Yeah, always.”

They change into their pajamas in the bathroom in silence. Hyojin keeps his back turned as he pulls on fresh boxers. It feels different now without the water.

Seungjoon climbs into bed first and Hyojin takes his time rearranging the things in his bag, shutting off all the lights. He’s still a little buzzed from dinner and now from the way Seungjoon had touched him too. He feels like he’s swimming.

“Hey.” Seungjoon calls out with his nose just barely peeking out above the blanket. He waits for Hyojin to turn his head. “It’s cold.”

“Okay?”

“Come warm me up.”

“Put on pants like a normal person.” Hyojin flicks off the last light between their beds and feels his stomach drop in the darkness.

“Hyodinnie, please.”

Hyojin huffs, but he always seems to give Seungjoon what he wants in the end. He lifts the edge of the blanket and slides in and it’s just like they’re back in high school, hiding under the covers so they could talk until three in the morning without his sister banging on his wall.

Seungjoon’s face is soft and pink and he’s barely got his eyes open but he reaches out for Hyojin anyway, rubs his hand up his arm under the blanket.

“See, is it so bad?”

Seungjoon pushes his hand up and up until he’s slipping it under the sleeve of Hyojin’s t-shirt and then slides it back down all the way to the knob of his wrist.

“Torture.” Hyojin rolls his eyes.

There’s something weird shifting in the air and Hyojin feels like he skipped a step going down the stairs. His heartbeat reverberates in his ears, feels like it’s shaking his bones.

Under the covers everything feels muffled. It’s just them, the sound of their breathing. Like they’ve ripped a pocket in time to make a space that’s just for them. Everything feels like it’s happening very, very slowly.

He’s not sure if it’s the alcohol or the way Seungjoon’s hand is tracing over his skin, but he has to ask, he can’t stop the words from coming out of his mouth.

“At dinner,” He starts and Seungjoon hums. “When you said you’d had firsts without me, what were they?”

Seungjoon blinks at him sleepy and slow through his lashes. 

There had been one other time Hyojin had been as certain as he is now that Seungjoon was going to kiss him. Not long after debut, both sat hip to hip in the practice room trying to catch their breath. Seungjoon had turned and given him this look and Hyojin thought for just a moment - and then the fear that he would let him, if he would just lean in. 

Seungjoon didn’t then, but he does now. 

It’s softer than Hyojin expected. So many years of thinking about it and the only possibility he’d ever considered was the dam breaking, losing his mind maybe; crushing Seungjoon’s mouth to his because he couldn’t help himself anymore.

He was always so scared he would. 

He’d have nightmares about it - pumped up on adrenaline after a performance or sometimes it would be just the two of them somewhere innocuous like his bedroom at his parents house but they’d always go the same. He’d grab Seungjoon by the shoulders and drag him in like a man drowning. He’d always wake up before he could kiss him back.

This is not the dam breaking, though it might be him losing his mind. Seungjoon brings his hand up to cup Hyojin’s jaw so, so softly and Hyojin feels like he’s been cracked open.

His brain catches up to his body in double time and he pulls back. 

“We don’t do that.” Hyojin’s whole body goes cold. It’s like those carnival games where someone sits precariously above a tank of water while someone else aims for the target. He looks at Seungjoon and feels like the seat has collapsed beneath him. “Seungjoon, we don’t-”

“We could.”

Seungjoon’s eyes are searching, serious. Hyojin can still feel the warmth of his hand on his face even when he pushes it away.

“You don’t understand.”

“Don’t understand what, Hyojin?” Seungjoon’s brows knit together. “Don’t lie to me. Please don’t lie to me. Tell me what I don’t understand.”

“I can’t- _We_ can’t do this.” Hyojin sits up fast, knocking the blanket off of them. He gestures between the two of them like that explains everything. It should, he thinks.

He can feel his temper flaring like an ambulance speeding and he knows if he tips over Seungjoon will too. Part of him considers leaning into the fight, just so he doesn’t do any of the things he actually wants to, but if they start he’s not sure they’ll stop this time. He needs to get out.

“I need to go for a walk.”

Hyojin pushes himself out of the bed and grabs the first real clothes he can get his hands on. He’s zipping his jeans up with shaky hands when Seungjoon scrambles up too.

“Hyojin, don’t leave. We can just talk about it, okay? We talk about everything, just talk to me.”

He moves like he’s on autopilot, slipping into his shoes. His lips are tingling.

“Clearly we don’t.” He doesn’t look at him but he can hear Seungjoon searching for his pants too, making a mess of all the belongings he’d strewn around their room. Hyojin has to force himself not to look. “Don’t follow me.”

Seungjoon starts to protest but Hyojin’s already on the other side of the door.

He makes it halfway down the block before he realizes that he doesn’t have his phone or a room key and that if he keeps going like this he probably won’t remember how to get back. He realizes too, as he aims for the bench outside the convenience store from their first night, that the sweatshirt he’d taken is Seungjoon’s and not his.

It feels like everything is collapsing in on him at once. Seungjoon pulled one brick out from the bottom of everything Hyojin has taken years to build and now he can’t stop the rest from tumbling down too.

There had been times before where Hyojin thought maybe Seungjoon knew how he felt. They just knew each other too well for him to really think Seungjoon would never figure him out, despite all of his effort and all of his hiding. He’d just never considered this.

He tilts his head back against the glass of the convenience store window and breathes out through his nose.

The sweatshirt he’s wearing hangs long over his hands and smells like Seungjoon’s favorite perfume. It makes him want to cry. For eleven years Seungjoon has been his person in every way that counts. Through school, through training and then debut, survival shows and late nights, hospital trips. There is no part of his life that Seungjoon has not touched.

He thinks of this alternate timeline, one in which him and Seungjoon are together, and then he thinks of the one they are in now. He doesn’t know how to mesh them together.

There had always been the fear that if Seungjoon knew, it would somehow change things. If Hyojin could just protect this feeling, keep it safe and locked away in his chest, then maybe he could keep Seungjoon there too.

He should’ve known that anywhere he tried to go, Seungjoon would follow.

He’s out there for maybe ten minutes breathing in the night air before he hears footsteps and knows without looking that it’s Seungjoon. He does look though and Seungjoon is standing there just in front of his knees, eyes puffy.

“You’re wearing my sweatshirt.” Seungjoon says, knocking his knee into Hyojin’s.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He settles onto the bench next to Hyojin and rests his hand in the space in between.

They sit like that for a few minutes before Hyojin takes a deep breath.

“When did you know?” Hyojin scuffs his shoe against the sidewalk. He knows if he looks up at Seungjoon now his face will be too honest and he’s not quite ready for that. 

“Do you remember that time you held my hand in the train station?”

Hyojin huffs out a small laugh. That stupid picture that’s been haunting him, the one he’s always making excuses for. “Yeah, of course I remember.”

“I think it might have been then. I don’t think I knew what it meant, but-“ Seungjoon tucks a stray piece of hair behind his ear like he’s steeling himself up. “I knew I liked how it felt when you touched me. I was always trying to, well, am still, finding ways to get you to.”

Seungjoon shifts his hand on the bench so their pinkies are touching. It’s an olive branch and Hyojin takes it. He hooks his pinky over Seungjoon’s. 

“You?”

“There was this time in the practice room,” Hyojin turns to look at him. “I thought you were going to kiss me. I realized how much I wanted you too. I think I felt it before then, but that’s when I knew.”

Seungjoon laughs and it sounds like wind chimes, light and tinkling. “I wanted to too.”

“So what do we do?”

“Well, to start, it’s cold and someone took my sweatshirt so I think we should go back.” Seungjoon leans in closer so Hyojin can feel his breath when he speaks. “And then I think you should kiss me, the way you want to.”

Hyojin smiles and when Seungjoon stands and offers him his hand, he takes it.

Instead of an alarm, Hyojin wakes to the weight of Seungjoon curled against his chest and there’s a moment of panic, of forgetting that it’s okay and he is allowed to have this, and then relief - waves and waves of relief rolling through his body like the morning tide.

Seungjoon shifts in his sleep, lips smacking softly. Hyojin runs his hand through his hair just because he wants to and because he can. He’s allowed to do that now. 

This is the sort of thing Hyojin always imagined happened to other people, that if he’d made different choices or lived another life he might’ve had a chance at finding this. There’s an easy light leaking in through the blinds and when Seungjoon blinks up at him his face is so open and warm it fills Hyojin up from his toes all the way to the top of his head. Hyojin realizes he’s had it all along.

“Good morning.”

“Morning.” Seungjoon mumbles and his voice is rough in a way that shoots down Hyojin’s spine. “What time is it?”

Hyojin reaches over Seungjoon’s shoulder and clicks his phone open to check. “Eight-ish.”

“Perfect, plenty of time then.”

“Yeah, for what?”

“Hm,” Seungjoon crawls up so he can cage Hyojin’s head with his arms, hips with his thighs. “There’s a few more firsts I think we should try, if you want.”

They’d spent the night leaning into each other, touching each other in all the easy ways that Hyojin always wanted to but never felt like he could. Even the cold press of Seungjoon’s toes against his legs felt good, the way Seungjoon sighed his name after he kissed him against the door to their room.

Hyojin pulls him down into a kiss because that’s another thing he’s just allowed to do now, kiss Seungjoon. “Please.”

Seungjoon licks into his mouth and it doesn’t even matter that he has morning breath, or that his hair is a mess before Hyojin even gets his hands into it. Hyojin pulls back but this time it’s to kiss his nose, his cheeks, his jaw, anywhere he can reach. He kisses him again, and again, and again until Seungjoon is laughing into his mouth.

Hyojin groans into Seungjoon’s mouth when he rocks his hips down against his. He can feel the outline of Seungjoon’s cock through his boxers and it makes him dizzy.

“Ah, Hyojinnie,” Seungjoon rolls his hips slow and dirty and pulls another noise out of the back of Hyojin’s throat. “Feels so good.”

Seungjoon is loud and eager. It’s surprising only in how much it isn’t. He moves like he’s making up for all the lost time, all the years they could’ve been doing this if they’d just let themselves.

Hyojin pulls him down by his hair and kisses him hard. He rocks up to meet Seungjoon, creating a horrible rhythm and he’s not sure how long he can do this. 

He shifts them so he can be on top of Seungjoon instead, pin his hands down above his head the way he’s always wanted to. Seungjoon whines into his mouth and cants his hips up desperately. 

“Wait, ah, there’s something I want to try.” Seungjoon says, turning his head. Hyojin kisses down his neck instead.

“Yeah?”

It doesn’t even matter what he’s about to say, Hyojin would give him anything if he asked.

“Want you in my mouth.”

“Fuck.” Hyojin presses his forehead into the crook of Seungjoon’s neck. He’s sweaty and their skin sticks. “Are you sure?”

Seungjoon hums and cards his hand through Hyojin’s hair. “You have no idea how much I’ve thought about it.”

Hyojin wonders if the feeling like his body has been set on fire from the inside will subside or if he’s signed up for a lifetime of self-immolation. He rolls onto his back and Seungjoon settles himself on his heels between his legs. For the first time all morning, Seungjoon looks nervous.

“I’ve never done this before.” He says, running his hand slowly up Hyojin’s thigh. He picks a piece of lint off of the hem of Hyojin’s boxers like he’s not moments away from just peeling them off.

“Really?”

“I always wanted, well, I always wanted it to be you.”

Hyojin reaches down and threads their fingers together, squeezing Seungjoon’s hand in his own. He feels so full of love, of warmth, he could burst with it. He looks at Seungjoon and sees everything.

“I love you.”

It feels surreal to say it, mean it, and know Seungjoon feels exactly the same.

Seungjoon smiles and scoots down to press his mouth into Hyojin’s inner thigh, just below their clasped hands. “You’re not just saying that because I’m about to put your dick in my mouth, right?”

Hyojin flicks him in the forehead. “You idiot.”

“ _Your_ idiot.” Seungjoon untangles their fingers so he can reach for the waistband of Hyojin’s boxers. “I love you too, though, just in case you didn’t know.”

He knows, he knows so much. It still makes his ears ring to hear it.

Seungjoon pulls Hyojin’s boxers down over his legs and his eyes turn from soft to hungry. There’s a part of Hyojin that feels self conscious even though it’s just Seungjoon, but he just never thought he’d get to have this, not with him.

Seungjoon takes Hyojin into his hand at first, working his fist loose over the shaft. He leans in to kiss the head, run his lips down to meet his fingers, and then he takes Hyojin into his mouth.

His mouth is warm and it’s instantly better than anything Hyojin’s ever done before.

“Fuck, Seungjoon.” He doesn’t know what to do with his hands, his hips. Seungjoon may have never done this before but it doesn’t matter, because it’s him. Hyojin watches him and thinks the sight of Seungjoon’s wet mouth alone might be enough to make him come.

Seungjoon hollows his cheeks on the upstroke. It’s sloppy and nervous but _god_ it’s Seungjoon.

Hyojin comes in Seungjoon’s mouth with his name on his tongue.

Over in the sheets, Hyojin’s phone goes off at the same time Seungjoon’s does, twin katalk notifications that scare the shit out of both of them. Hyojin is still catching his breath when he leans over to check it. Seungjoon is sitting up and wiping his mouth clean when Hyojin catches his eye and it’s almost enough to make him hard again.

The notification is a text from their manager, a reminder of what time they need to meet in the lobby to head to the airport.

Originally they’d planned to do more shopping today, maybe hit one more tourist attraction in the morning if they could. Seungjoon had marked a few things on their list that weren’t too far. Hyojin drags Seungjoon up by his hands and throws all those plans out the window.

He finishes Seungjoon off in the shower with his hand and they spend more time exchanging easy kisses under the spray than washing.

By the time they get back out, warm and sleepy, it’s almost time to go. Hyojin double and triple checks their room for all their stuff because he knows Seungjoon will miss anything they’ve left behind. 

It feels weird to be leaving now, when so much has changed. They’d spent so long preparing for this trip and everything they thought it would be. Seungjoon rests his head on Hyojin’s shoulder the whole cab ride to the airport and Hyojin remembers that just a few days ago, they’d done the same but with a rock in the pit of Hyojin’s stomach.

He feels light now, like a balloon someone has snipped loose.

He knows there’s more they need to talk about. Things they need to figure out, all the scary implications that kept Hyojin locked in his own head in the first place, all still real. He has Seungjoon with him though, and that’s enough for now. He loves him, and that’s enough for now.

On the plane, Seungjoon lets Hyojin take the window seat. Hyojin lets Seungjoon share his blanket when one isn’t enough. He knows that when they get home, they’ve got a lifetime of firsts to try together, that they’ll make every one count.

Under the blankets, Hyojin takes Seungjoon’s hand.

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/gayjinho) // [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/gayjinho)


End file.
